Virtually in Love

Recently, our Auxiliary Board member for Protection, the enchanting Sepideh von Wittgenstein (half-German, half-Persian who's very careful about her choice of language) asked me if I would consider being her assistant with special responsibility for youth problems - in other words, (mine not hers), my flatmates Quentin and Farhang.

I watched Farhang's large face drain of its default aubergine hue, as he thought - having grown up in a pioneering family in Sicily - that the Protection Board is a posse of unsmiling, middle-aged men in voluminous pin-striped suits who come round and threaten to shoot your grandmother unless you give them money. "That's no way to speak of Herbie," moaned Quentin, who thought Farhang was talking about the Florida-born treasurer of our LSA and who is living proof that you can take the man out of Miami but you can't take Miami out of the man. As I attempted to untangle my beloved friends' crossed wires, a letter plopped onto the doormat in mysterious Hogwarts stylee. Checking the skies above for signs of owls, I wrested the letter from the clenched incisors of our terrifying cat, Darth Maul, and opened it to find a hand-written note. "Dearly loved and highly esteemed Roscoe," it read, (and who am I to argue?) "In your oh so wise opinion, what do you think about relationships between Bahá'ís from distant places, who primarily meet on the internet, in Bahá'í chat rooms, but who have never met in real life. If they truly care about each other and are in love...could it be called a relationship or is it technically not a relationship if they have never met?"

Well, I thought - remembering to let deeds not words be my adorning - if I am to answer this question appropriately then I had better take the chance myself at getting into an internet relationship. So, I ran a search on google on a few key words - Bahá'í, single, chat, dating, Ben and Jerry's (well you have to have some tastes in common) - and came up with a site called www.unrestrained_wind.com - the 'place for young Bahá'ís to find love and nudge nudge more'. After entering my details into the form, almost the first potential internet partner I encountered was a very sweet sounding girl called Helga. 'I am 19 years old, petite, blonde-haired with an unusual personality. I love nature, reading and thrash metal. Would like to write to a Bahá'í boy my age. Must be patient and have good sense of humour.' OK Helga here I come! (Although I am not so sure about the thrash metal - maybe she could get to like Kylie in time). And so I write. 'Dear Helga. My name is Roscoe. I am 21, finishing off my studies and trying to be a good Bahá'í. I live in a basement - but Bahá'u'lláh tells us to fear not abasement ha ha - (I thought that might demonstrate my good sense of humour...or not) - with my two sad flatmates Farhang and Quentin. I hope to take a year out when I finish my degree to go travelling to some remote part of the world where I can be as far away from my flatmates as possible! What are your thoughts on marriage? Warmest Bahá'í love, Roscoe' I've learned that it pays to be direct.

One evening went by, then another, as I eagerly awaited a reply in my inbox. Then, on the third evening, acrid smoke began billowing out of my wireless router - the Vatican 4000 - a time-honoured sign that a message had arrived. 'Dear Roscoe. Thank you for your email. I am sorry I haven't written sooner but I was out of action yesterday having my treatment. (Treatment?!) You see I am in this institution and I want to leave. Do you think you could send me $400 so I can come and fly to your country and live with you. You're my only hope to make a new start. I love you, Helga xxx.' Well, I have to say when Helga - 'unusual personality' - said her dream man 'must be patient' I didn't realise she meant the noun not the adjective. And what about the 'xxx', not I hasten to add a reference to Vin Diesel but, I fear, an expression of not altogether sound feelings (or a typo she had crossed out, but I doubt it.)

I wrote back. 'Dear Helga. Sorry to hear you're unwell. I hope you get better soon. I actually am skint and engaged to be married to someone very soon so sorry I can't help. Yours faithfully, Roscoe.' Phew. Got out of that one. Sorry Bahá'u'lláh, is it acceptable to tell a little white lie to get out of a difficult situation? I'll wait a few decades to see my tablet of chrysolite for the answer if that's alright. Just as I was about to write back to the writer of the original letter with some words of unadulterated wisdom about how they shouldn't kid themselves about internet 'relationships', Quentin came through into my room with a smile the shape and size of a plantain stretched across his pinched, vegan face. 'Hey Roscoe, we have a visitor coming tomorrow!'

'Who is it?' I asked.

'Her name's Mariella Diablo. She's from Spain. I've kind of been getting to know her on the internet.'

'What?!'

'Yeh, you know those yams I bought at the greengrocers the other week. I was looking on www.rasta_vegans.com to find a decent recipe, and I went into the chatroom to read tips on the best way to steam vegetables and I got into this conversation and she's...she's like wonderful, man.'

'And she's coming to stay?!'

'Yeh and she's bringing like some really hard-to-get pulses and beans from Spain that you can't find over here.'

'But Quentin, how do you feel about it?'

'I really can't wait to taste them'

'Not the vegetables, you goon, the...er...relationship.'

'It's amazing. It's like our souls were kneaded together at conception into a great wholemeal loaf. I just wouldn't have known that anyone so amazing could exist...I really must thank whoever it was invented the internet. Who was it?'

'I really don't know...' though if I was in the mood for awe and wonderment I would say God and Bahá'u'lláh, of course, because how else can the world become more united.

So now we await the arrival of Senorita Diablo. Quentin has polished all our best utensils and Farhang has promised not to scrunch his Y-fronts behind the towel rack as he is wont to do when he takes a shower and then leaves them there for weeks - for the duration of her stay. And I sit poised to reply to my correspondent about whether internet relationships can work. And for Quentin's sake, I really hope they do.

Me? Well I think I'll just have to go to Landegg and see if there are any sane, Scandinavian law students ready for commitment and a good sense of humour.

 By Roscoe